A humorous look at the patronising trend of the safety-nazis
Product advice labels which are not compulsory yet but soon will be
Warnings: Product advice labels which are not compulsory yet but soon will be
By Quentin Langley
Dateline: 13 October 2001
1. Matches are not designed to be ingested nasally.
2. This 24-piece cutlery set may contain sharp objects.
3. Banging this object repeatedly against your head can cause concussion or bleeding.
4. This weedkiller is designed for use on weeds and can be hazardous to human health.
5. You are advised to lie in this bath with your head ABOVE the water line.
6. Guns can be dangerous. You are advised not to discharge the gun while the barrel is pointed up your rectum.
7. This crucifix is for decorative and devotional purposes only. The makers of this product do not endorse the use of crucifixion for punishment or pleasure.
8. This object may cause a choking hazard if stuffed roughly down someone’s throat.
9. This razor blade has a sharp edge. Not to be run along exposed veins or arteries.
10. Flamethrowers and babies. Don’t.
11. It is not necessary to climb into the gas tank in order to fill it.
12. If you see a bare wire which may be live, don’t lick it.
13. Start with page one and proceed in numerical order.
14. Nuts are unsuitable for people with nut allergies.
15. Stop the car first, then get out.
16. Fragile object: not designed to withstand being repeatedly jumped on.
17. Remove the contents from the can before attempting to consume them.
18. You will be able to enjoy your table to best advantage with the legs on the lower side and the flat side uppermost.
19. A dog is for life, not for setting alight and ejecting from a 14th storey window.
20. This is Kate Adie for the BBC. And remember, the people who run these death camps are trained professionals. Don’t try this at home.
21. This realistic doll is just like a real baby. It eats, it drinks, it keeps you up at night and if you fail to obey these instructions to the letter the county social services department will take it away from you.
22. This product is poisonous. The toxins contained within can be fatal if consumed in sufficient quantity. The manufacturers can accept no liability if, knowing this, you continue to smoke the stuff.
I know, I cheated, the last one already is compulsory.
Copyright © Quentin Langley 13 October 2001