Jerry: Welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today we talk to Kate and Tom, who have a very complex family life. Let’s talk to Kate first, and she can explain. Kate, I believe you are worried about your husband.
Kate: That’s right, Jerry. I think he might be having an affair.
Jerry: But Tom isn’t your first husband, is he?
Kate: No. He is my fourth husband. Though he actually first proposed to me when my second husband died.
Jerry: So what happened then?
Kate: Well, his boss, Henry, had his own eye on me, so he posted Tom abroad, and wooed me himself.
Jerry: And did he woo you successfully?
Kate: Yes. Henry was my third husband and I am step-mother to his three children.
Jerry: And he and Tom knew each other well?
Kate: Oh yes, they are brothers in law. Tom’s sister was Henry’s third wife.
Jerry: So your fourth husband is your third husband’s third wife’s brother?
Kate: Well, yes. I know it sounds strange . . .
Jerry: Sounds strange? Well, yes, it does. So when Henry died Tom came bounding back and proposed to you again?
Kate: Well, no, not straight away. I believe he proposed to my step-daughters first.
Jerry: Step-daughters? How many do you have?
Kate: Two. From my third husband’s first two marriages.
Jerry: First two? So Tom is not their uncle?
Kate: No. He’s their step-uncle. His sister was their step mother. And now I am their step mother, so he is their step-step father too.
Jerry: Wow. That’s amazing. Why did he propose to both of them?
Kate: I think he wanted to enhance his reputation with his nephew, who inherited the family business.
Jerry: Your step son?
Kate: That’s right. Although he is just a boy, so his uncle, Tom’s brother, is actually running the business. I think Tom may be a bit jealous of his brother.
Jerry: Riiiiggght. And when they both turned him down, he proposed to you again?
Kate: Yes, and this time I said yes.
Jerry: Well, all this makes sense. He proposed to your late husband’s daughters and then to his widow. But now you think he is having an affair?
Kate: That’s right. With my step daughter.
Jerry: Your step daughter? So his step niece and his step-step daughter?
Kate: Yes. They seem to be very close.
Jerry: How old is she?
Kate: Fifteen.
Jerry: And have they, er, consummated their relationship?
Kate: I am not sure. But I found him on her bed tickling her and spanking her while she giggled uncontrollably.
Jerry: Well, that’s Kate’s side of the story. Now let’s hear from Tom.
Unfortunately, that is where the transcript ends.
Cast:
Kate – Katherine Parr, sixth and surviving wife of Henry VIII.
Tom – Thomas Seymour, Katherine’s fourth husband, and brother of Henry’s third wife, Jane Seymour.
Kate’s step children:
Edward VI, boy king at the time this programme was recorded; Mary I; and Elizabeth I, with whom Tom is thought to have had an affair.
Jerry – former mayor of Cincinnati, Democratic candidate for Governor or Ohio, and all round sanctimonious idiot and sensationalist broadcaster.