A humorous look at the presidential campaigns
Campaign diary
By Quentin Langley
Dateline 19 May 2000
Monday
Gore (AM) Florida (Cubans)
Tell them I knew nothing about that Elian thing. It wasn’t me. It was Clinton. And Reno. Promise to tell Clinton and Reno I disagreed with it. If I ever see them. Which is unlikely. I don’t even know them. Get them off that Elian thing altogether. Should I say I wrote JFK’s anti-Castro speeches?
Keyes
Make speech about abortion. Pay myself a huge salary. Phone Bush and tell him he is too stupid to be President. Tell him I forbid him to choose Ridge as his running mate.
Nader
Propose that the internal combustion engine is tried for crimes against humanity.
Buchanan
Phone Gephardt and ask him to be my running mate. He will love my plans to control trade and nationalise all the multi-nationals.
Gore (PM), Still in Florida (Oldies)
Tell lies about Bush’s Social Security plans. Tell them it applies to Medicare too. Call it a “risky Social Security and Medicare scheme”.
Tuesday
Gore, Seattle (Nerds)
Remind them I invented the Internet. Attack Bush’s plan to let people choose whom they buy software from. What if people make bad choices? Call it a risky choose your own software scheme.
Keyes
Make speech about abortion. Write to creditors telling them I have no money. Phone Bush. Tell him he is a loser. Veto Pataki as Veep.
Buchanan
Gephardt didn’t like my plan to build a wall along the border to keep them pesky Canadians out. Phone Barnes and Noble and yell at them for not stocking enough copies of my book.
Wednesday
Gore, LA, AM (Moviemakers)
Remind them that “Love Story”, “American Beauty” and “Gladiator” are all based on my marriage to Tipper. Condemn Bush’s risky never inspired a major movie scheme.
Keyes.
Make speech about abortion. Give myself a pay rise. Phone Bush. Tell him he is a moron. Veto Engler as Veep.
Browne
Roll a spliff. INHALE! Announce a major new privatisation. Anyone want to buy a grandmother, slightly used? Decide on a stock issue.
Nader, Detroit
Propose the abolition of the auto industry. Railroads to be powered by the natural energy of ley lines.
Buchanan
Phone Jiang Zemin and ask him if he wants to sell his wall.
Gore, PM, still LA (Latinos)
Tell them I really respect their culture and identity. Remember, these people don’t speak English, so really yell at them. (Always works with foreigners).
Condemn Bush’s risky speak to people in Spanish scheme.
Thursday
Gore, AM, Iowa (farmers)
Last time Congress voted on flood relief for Iowa Bush didn’t vote for it. I invented ethanol. Condemn Bush’s risky agriculture scheme.
Keyes
Make speech about abortion. Phone Bush. Tell him he is an idiot. Hint that I might be available to serve as Veep, if he apologises for being richer than I am.
Nader, Houston
Propose abolishing the oil industry. All power to be generated by teams of trained hippies chanting “Om mani padme hum”.
Browne
Investigate privatising the US Navy.
La Rouche
Write to the British government and apply for the extradition of the alleged Queen, Elizabeth Windsor.
Gore, PM, Viginia (Vets)
Tell them “Rambo” was based on my experiences in Vietnam. On second thoughts I must remember to say “’Nam”. We vets always do. Condemn Bush’s risky defence scheme.
Ted Turner tells me CNN has a poll which shows me trailing. Phone Ted, ask him to run it as item 9, after my attack on Bush’s risky tax scheme.
Friday
Gore (AM) New Jersey (Soccer Moms)
Tell them how great I am. After only seven years as Veep I have managed to achieve nearly nine years of economic growth. I invented soccer. Remind them that Bush used to own a baseball team. Condemn his risky support American sports scheme.
Nader
America was much better without people. No crime then, or pollution, or guns.
Browne
Snort a line. Change Grandma’s name to grandmother.com and double the issue price. Damn! Should have thought of that earlier, before that market topped out.
Keyes
Make a speech about abortion. Phone Bush. Tell him he is a fool. Remind him I am still available to be Veep, if he lets me write the platform. Threaten to withhold both my delegates if he doesn’t comply.
Buchanan
Go shopping for a white suit and pointy hat. Get stopped by the security guard and asked why I am leaving without paying. Tell him I don’t believe in trade and stab him with a pitchfork.
La Rouche
Write to the International Criminal Court in The Hague. What is taking so long? Why is this Windsor woman still free?
Gore, PM, New York
Get pictured with Hillary. She is great. Only lived here a minute and a half and already she has achieved six years of falling crime. Hillary and I invented zero tolerance.
Bush
Feeling quietly confident today.
Copyright © Quentin Langley 19 May 2000
