Sixteenth century Jerry Springer

Jerry: Welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today we talk to Kate and Tom, who have a very complex family life. Letís talk to Kate first, and she can explain. Kate, I believe you are worried about your husband.

Kate: Thatís right, Jerry. I think he might be having an affair.

Jerry: But Tom isnít your first husband, is he?

Kate: No. He is my fourth husband. Though he actually first proposed to me when my second husband died.

Jerry: So what happened then?

Kate: Well, his boss, Henry, had his own eye on me, so he posted Tom abroad, and wooed me himself.

Jerry: And did he woo you successfully?

Kate: Yes. Henry was my third husband and I am step-mother to his three children.

Jerry: And he and Tom knew each other well?

Kate: Oh yes, they are brothers in law. Tomís sister was Henryís third wife.

Jerry: So your fourth husband is your third husbandís third wifeís brother?

Kate: Well, yes. I know it sounds strange . . .

Jerry: Sounds strange? Well, yes, it does. So when Henry died Tom came bounding back and proposed to you again?

Kate: Well, no, not straight away. I believe he proposed to my step-daughters first.

Jerry: Step-daughters? How many do you have?

Kate: Two. From my third husbandís first two marriages.

Jerry: First two? So Tom is not their uncle?

Kate: No. Heís their step-uncle. His sister was their step mother. And now I am their step mother, so he is their step-step father too.

Jerry: Wow. Thatís amazing. Why did he propose to both of them?

Kate: I think he wanted to enhance his reputation with his nephew, who inherited the family business.

Jerry: Your step son?

Kate: Thatís right. Although he is just a boy, so his uncle, Tomís brother, is actually running the business. I think Tom may be a bit jealous of his brother.

Jerry: Riiiiggght. And when they both turned him down, he proposed to you again?

Kate: Yes, and this time I said yes.

Jerry: Well, all this makes sense. He proposed to your late husbandís daughters and then to his widow. But now you think he is having an affair?

Kate: Thatís right. With my step daughter.

Jerry: Your step daughter? So his step niece and his step-step daughter?

Kate: Yes. They seem to be very close.

Jerry: How old is she?

Kate: Fifteen.

Jerry: And have they, er, consummated their relationship?

Kate: I am not sure. But I found him on her bed tickling her and spanking her while she giggled uncontrollably.

Jerry: Well, thatís Kateís side of the story. Now letís hear from Tom.

Unfortunately, that is where the transcript ends.

Cast:

Kate Ė Katherine Parr, sixth and surviving wife of Henry VIII.
Tom Ė Thomas Seymour, Katherineís fourth husband, and brother of Henryís third wife, Jane Seymour.
Kateís step children:
Edward VI, boy king at the time this programme was recorded; Mary I; and Elizabeth I, with whom Tom is thought to have had an affair.
Jerry Ė former mayor of Cincinnati, Democratic candidate for Governor or Ohio, and all round sanctimonious idiot and sensationalist broadcaster.

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